Observations from (hopefully) recent and relevant pop culture.
I’ve started to write for another blog about pop culture Rushmores. I’ll still be posting here, and I will also be posting links to my work there. But go to the site, look around for a bit and follow that one too. Just easier for everyone.
My first post was about the four best Taylor Swift songs ever. Check it out:
March Madness is upon us, and it’s time for all those lame brackets about things we don’t care about anymore. As if talking about these things will bring them back, or, hell, care again.
Good thing I’m not about to partake in that.
You know why? Because The O.C. is always relevant. Always has been. Always will be.
The O.C. and March Madness? Yes please.
So, in the spirit of March Madness, I’ve decided to make a bracket to determine the greatest character in the history of The O.C. First, a few rules with the bracket:
Click for a bigger image of the bracket.
So there’s the bracket. The regions were selected based on musical influence on the show. Imogen Heap shows up in two season finales (two and three). Seth mentions his Death Cab (for Cutie) love multiple times, and they make an appearance in the show. Modest Mouse comes up a few times in Season 1, and they play at the Bait Shop. And Phantom Planet is the easiest one: they play the epic theme song. Without further ado, here is the first round breakdown.
IMOGEN HEAP
(1) Sandy Cohen v. (8) Dean Hess
Has anyone ever noticed how much Dean Hess looks like Alexi Lalas? When Lalas is rocking the short hair, he looks like he should be hooking up with Taylor Townsend and wreaking havoc on Ryan Atwood. Dean Hess was only around for a little bit, but he was a pretty obnoxious villain (in both good ways and bad). Still, it took one episode for Sandy to eviscerate him. Please. The eyebrows advance without even a conversation.
(4) Kevin Volchok v. (5) Matt Ramsey
Both of these characters are about corruption. Matt Ramsey nearly took down Sandy. He showed the evil side of business and slowly corrupted everyone’s favorite father. Eventually, Sandy realized how wrong he was, but it wasn’t easy. Matt proved how easily someone — even as great as Sandy — can be led astray.
Meanwhile, Volchok has all of Ryan’s faults without the redeeming qualities. Despite no redeeming qualities, he doesn’t have much of a problem wooing Marissa. Upon losing her, though, he falls off the deep end and uses the worst negotiating tactics possible: running a car off the road. Marissa’s death is the most tragic moment in the show’s history, and it isn’t even close. Still, his squinty eyes and drugs corrupted the most impressionable teenage girl ever. He didn’t even have to try. Matt dragged down a titan; Volchok took down a lost puppy. Matt moves on with the more impressive corruption.
(3) Caleb Nichol v. (6) Trey Atwood
Trey is responsible for one the show’s five greatest moments. He changes the dynamic of the Ryan/Marissa relationship, and he sends her (and the show) into a season long tailspin. Despite being in fewer than a dozen episodes (and being played by two actors), Trey is the most important guest star in the show’s history.
Caleb is a boss. Actually, he’s the boss. He runs Newport and watches over everything that happens on the show. His brisk tone is endearing, and it makes him a great semi-bad guy. Still, there’s no great moment with him. Kirsten screaming at him is one thing, but he just stands there and takes it. Other than that one moment, every scene with Caleb is the same exact thing.
With Trey, though, things are different every time. You never know what to expect. Just like you probably didn’t expect him to move on to the next round. Mmmm whatcha sayyyyy.
(2) Jimmy Cooper v. (7) Carter Buckley
Ah…the matchup of Kirsten’s non-Sandy flames. I’m not sure if I hate these characters because they try to ruin the greatest parental combination in modern television history, or if that’s just a coincidence. Either way, Carter’s smug, bearded smile makes me want to kick kittens. And Hercules Jimmy’s uncertain stuttering makes me understand why Marissa’s so effed up. I understand one of them needs to move on, but it just doesn’t seem fair. By default, I’m going with Hercules Jimmy, simply because he hung around longer (despite my objections) and buddied up with Sandy.
DEATH CAB
(1) Seth Cohen v. (8) Rebecca Bloom
I always hated the Sandy/Rebecca storyline. That is, until I read this response from the creator, Josh Schwartz:
“Sandy’s involvement with Rebecca Bloom was never about infidelity, it was about reaching out to someone who used to mean so much, who was lost in the world and needed his help. Sandy is never a man who can refuse to help someone. And sometimes your idealism clouds your judgment. It was never about Sandy Cohen boning another chick, and if you’re a Jew from the Bronx, you’re never going to do better than Shiksa Goddess Kirsten Cohen. It was about his inability to not help someone who meant so much, and not realize the toll it was taking on his marriage. That kiss between them was really a goodbye kiss (Rebecca was planning on leaving, and her dad had just died), never a romantic one.”
So, at least that storyline makes a little more sense. I think. I’m not even sure he answered anything. Oh well, I didn’t have much to write for this matchup so let’s just move Seth to the next round and forget about it.
(4) Anna Stern v. (5) Alex Kelly
I always liked Anna. She was spunky, fun and a welcome change from Season 1 Summer and Marissa. She started dating Seth, which was cool. Then it became clear that Seth and Summer were made for each other, pushing Anna to the backburner. That was also cool. Then she made a quick appearance in Season 3 just to remind everybody that she once existed. It was dumb.
Alex, on the other hand, is somewhat annoying. Although Olivia Wilde is the most attractive woman in the show’s history, I refuse to be courted by her pretty eyes and butterfly tatoo. She has a few good moments, but her character didn’t really have a direction once she broke up with Seth. She hung around for a little bit longer, and then disappeared. It was dumb.
The easiest way to differentiate between these two is their greatest moment on the show. For Anna, it’s when she’s crying at the airport and leaving Seth; it’s heart wrenching. For Alex, what’s her great moment? Getting Sandy to sing? Making out with Marissa? I can’t think of one that matches up to Anna’s, which is why the pixie cut is moving on.
(3) Taylor Townsend v. (6) Che
Ugh…how I hate Che. Look, I like Chris Pratt. I think he’s funny in Parks and Rec. I liked him enough in Moneyball. But he is positively unbearable in The O.C. He steals Summer (sort of), betrays her, then comes back to annoy everyone in Newport. As for Taylor, she’s brutal at the beginning of Season 3, but she wins me over by the end of the series. She cruises past this round.
(2) Marissa Cooper v. (7) Newpsies
The Newpsies are great in the first season. Their gossipy, superficial, snooty ways show all that is wrong in Newport. Then they annoy Kirsten and shun Julie, which isn’t the best way to stay relevant on the show. Conversely, Marissa is always at the center of the show. Her self-destructive behavior causes nearly every conflict and keeps things interesting. She is the show’s most important character (see: Season 4), and she advances without any issues.
MODEST MOUSE
(1) Summer Roberts v. (8) Charlotte Morgan
Charlotte is the dumbest character in the history of the show. She has the dumbest storyline in the history of the show. Summer is the greatest. Done.
(4) Zach Stevens v. (5) Hailey Nichol
Each of these characters has a serious character flaw. Zach has a very punchable face. Hailey is selfish crazypsychoperson. In order to make this a reasonable matchup, we need to ignore those setbacks, or we won’t be able to continue.
Zach makes Seth into the man he becomes. By stealing Summer for half a season, Zach forces Seth to figure out his issues and become the man Summer deserves. It isn’t the most glamorous job, but Zach does it to perfection.
Hailey, on the other hand, helps save Kirsten. Once her sister hits rock bottom, Hailey is the one to help make sure the intervention goes well. That said, she was still only the third most important person regarding the intervention. Zach is the most important person regarding the Seth/Summer relationship other than those two. He moves on.
(3) Luke Ward v. (6) Johnny Harper
Every scene with Johnny is worse off because of him. His stupid eyes. His stupid voice. His stupid love for Marissa. I hate all of it. In all seriousness, I have the most rationally irrational hate for that douche. Just look at him! Ugh…just the worst.
Contrarily, Luke makes every scene better. When he’s evil, he’s so damn evil. When he’s corny (which was really quick and really dumb, by the way), he’s hilarious. He does a nice job stealing some spotlight from the main characters in the middle of the first season. He is one of the best recurring characters, and I really wish they hadn’t written him out so quickly. He easily beats that stupid idiot Harper.
(2) Kirsten Cohen v. (7) Gordon Bullit
Bullit epitomizes The O.C. “getting it.” He is such a caricature and an absolute joke. He’s hilarious and gives a lifeless show a little bit of a spark. But he’s still a joke. Meanwhile, Kirsten is busy holding the show together and being half of the greatest TV parenting duo of all time. She moves on easily.
PHANTOM PLANET
(1) Ryan Atwood v. (8) Oliver Trask
Before Oliver even said a word on the show, I hated him. His smug look and manipulating personality just made everything worse. That said, you were supposed to hate him. He was an evil character through and through, whereas Johnny was just a punk. Oliver is regarded as one of the biggest flops in the show’s history, which is probably true. However, the sheer amount of hate he brought out of people made us bond with Ryan more — while, for the first time, wondering WHY IS MARISSA SO DAMN STUPID?!?! He’s an important character in Season 1, but he can’t touch the main character. Atwood advances.
(4) Neil Roberts v. (5) Theresa Diaz
I honestly could not care less about a matchup. These are two of the most boring characters in the history of the show. In Season 3, Neil tried to kill every scene, even with Julie, who had charisma with just about everyone.
And Theresa managed to be less charismatic than Marissa. Seriously, she had zero personality. It was remarkable. Despite that, though, she was very important, bringing Ryan back to Chino and setting up the framework for the first dozen episodes of Season 2. She moves on. I guess.
(3) Kaitlin Cooper v. (6) Lindsay Gardner
For this, we’re only talking about older Kaitlin (from the third and fourth seasons). She’s a conniving, decent-looking supporting female for nearly two seasons. The show never really seemed to know how to write her into the main script, which left her wasting away with the insufferable Ward twins (Luke’s brothers) in meaningless storylines.
Lindsay was used in the complete opposite way. She was thrust into the forefront of the show while being not being close to as good looking as the other leading females. She was forced to work strictly with Ryan (when the writers were having an identity crisis with him), and she was the focal point of the most ridiculous storyline in the second season (Caleb’s love child). I have mad respect for her holding her own despite her looks and somewhat annoying voice. She upsets little Cooper.
(2) Julie Cooper v. (7) Frank Atwood
When Sandy found Frank’s case file, I absolutely lost it. I always knew Ryan’s dad would come back into the show, but this caught me completely off guard. It was one of the only moments in the show’s history that completely shocked me (to be fair, it totally shouldn’t have. After re-watching, it’s pretty clear how he fits in).
Julie just might be the biggest boss we’ve seen thus far. She has a different theme for each season, and she nails it every time. Her glare is a great trademark, and it could probably beat out Frank by itself. Julie Cooper-Nichol-Cooper moves on.
2nd Round
Elite Eight
Final Four
Championship
Taylor Swift is a genius.
She’s attractive, but she isn’t jaw-dropping. Musically, she’s fine (I really enjoy her stuff, but it isn’t groundbreaking). Intellectually, she’s smart, but I don’t think her IQ is necessarily through the roof.
Nevertheless, Taylor has everyone fixated on what she will do next.
But how?
Her recent breakup from One Direction star member Harry Styles happened on vacation after she reportedly found a number in his pocket. Really? A number? Please.
It’s 2013. You’re famous. Your girlfriend is more famous. Assuming you (Harry) were interested in a random girl’s number, would you really accept it on a piece of paper, and not instantly get rid of it after it’s in your phone?
Of course not.
No one would.
Unless he was set up.
Taylor has made a career singing about heartbreak, regret and lovesickness. She doesn’t just think of these wild stories in her head; instead, she lives them.
Taylor manufactures her heartbreak.
She has matured from a wishful, whiny country singer into a full-fledge pop icon. And it’s all happened since I graduated middle school (shoutout to Guardian Angels class of 2006). This hasn’t been an accident, and neither was her latest breakup.
Star did a study, calculating that four of Taylor’s high-profile relationships (Joe Jonas, John Mayer, Jake Gyllenhaal and Styles) have all lasted approximately 11 weeks. If she takes off approximately two weeks between each relationship, she can fit four relationships into a year. If she gets two songs from each one, then she could get 16 in two years. Ya know, THE EXACT AMOUNT OF SONGS THAT HAVE BEEN ON HER LAST TWO RECORDS.
Look, I would never accuse Taylor of planting the number in Styles’ pocket, but is it so ridiculous? He had been following her around like a puppy for the last few weeks, and he wasn’t getting the memo: Be a douchebag.
Taylor needed to act quickly to keep her next album (Fall 2014, mark it down) on time. She needs at least one more relationship before her summer fling, and Styles might’ve ruined all that.
Instead, a number was found in his pocket (hmmm…), and they had a big fight (ok…), allowing her to come back to the states a few days early and get ready for the People’s Choice Awards. She came back and dressed in a mature-looking dress (note: cleavage) that just dared people to ask if she was upset.
Of course she wasn’t upset!
She’s Taylor Effing Swift.
None of what she does is an accident. And none of her breakups are out of control. She understands what it takes to be on the front page.
She’s just making sure she stays there.
Musings of a sandwich lover 
